Over the BH weekend, we received a visit from my dad and step-mum. It was the first visit since we moved into our new home over 5 months ago and only the 3rd or 4th time my dad had met Oscar since he was born in June last year.
I always had high hopes for Oscar and my dad when I was pregnant. I knew that dad was not a baby person but I naturally thought those rose tinted glasses would be well and truly on when my son was born and that they would naturally bond, much to my delight.
Well nothing could be further from the truth.
I don't think my dad has yet cuddled Oscar. Come to think of it he hasn't even spoken to him.
What is that stops my dad from making the transition from distant stranger to doting grand-parent? Is he worried about looking silly when engaging in the usual silly frivolities that a baby loves? Does he really dislike babies that much that he can't bring himself to go anywhere near one, or is it that he just has no feelings for my son?
I guess I can't bring myself to think that this is the case because who wouldn't love Oscar? OK I know I am biased but he is cute and in the main a good baby; friendly, amenable, giggly and only occasionally prone to wind.
I know my dad didn't really "do" parenting in the usual sense of the word. Yes, he was always there for me, yes he supported me financially through my life when needed, and yes he provided me with a strong sense of morals and a passion and drive for succeeding in business but I don't think cuddles were offered in abundance. What stops someone from putting their arms around someone they so unconditionally love?
I appreciate that not everyone will love your child, god knows I used to (and still do) harp on about it to hubby - that we should never assume friends and distant family will immediately want to change our sons nappies, put up with his obsession with Pocoyo and friends, wipe his dribbly nose and look happy when biscuity fingers find their way onto their nice clean jeans, but shouldn't grandads, grandmas and all other bods falling into this category just find all of this particularly endearing?
I'm unsure as to how their relationship will develop. I know I can't keep Oscar away from dad but I can't bear to see rejection year after year as my sense of protectiveness gets stronger.
Hopefully I won't have to worry about this problem because the situation will right itself. So why do I have a nagging feeling that I might be being slightly over optimistic?
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5 comments:
I think that because we love our babies so much and so quickly, we tend to expect that the closest people from us, the ones who love us more than anything, will develop that instant bond and show it to the rest of the world. In reality it doesn't happen this way all the time. I am sure your dad absolutely adores your little boy, but maybe he is not the demonstrative type. You said you never received lots of cuddles from him, so maybe this is a really hard think to do for him. Was he huged by his own mum and dad? Was he allowed to show emotion and feelings? You might find the reasons why he is not showing much attention in the answers. Maybe he is not a "baby" person too. Some people and quite often men, find babies boring and are not interested. Wait until your baby can talk to him and call him granddad and I am sure that your dad's heart will melt. You might discover a completely different person then.
I think PHP is right - once Oscar starts talking then your Dad will be able to engage more with him. I do agree that Grandparents should love their grandchildren just as much as the parents but unfortunately this isn't always the case. But don't fret. He'll come round eventually. x
I think you shouldn't worry too much - yet. Our dads were never taught how to be loving and nurturing to babies, in fact they were often chased off by others if they showed too much affection, so it's only natural that he should feel reticent about getting too involved with your son. What I think might happen though, in the fullness of time, is that as your son gets older - and becomes more interesting to him, able to give feedback, fascinated by trains etc - their relationship will develop and improve.
My father was quite distant when I was a child (not in a hurtful way, just working all the time), but I have to say that his level of interaction with his grandsons is wonderful to see. Especially now they can all sit on a sofa and read 'Airplane' magazine to each other...
Thanks for your comments, they have helped me see my Dad in a different light. I'd love to see them playing together in years to come - here's hoping!
I do sympathise, but I think for some men being financially supportive, offering practical advice and teaching children IS showing love.
I think it's important as mothers to teach our children that love and closeness comes in different packages.
My own grandparents weren't physically demonstrative but I never doubted that they loved me immensely - from the way my grandmother shared books with me, to how angry my grandfather got when he caught me sneaking cider from his cellar!
My advice would be acknowledge that your Dad is showing love in his way - and it's no less love for that. Your son isn't necessarily missing out on anything.
I might be completely wrong, but it's just a thought!
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